the rope just snaps

my kids drive me up the wall and always on days i have a migraine or am sick and just cant handle them. i dont get to the end of my rope as the saying goes my rope just snaps, i can handle so much and keep everything together till just one moment and i just loose it, i just cry and scream at who ever is around... today i have a migraine and ive snapped ive put both kids to bed early not that its really working...

this has got to be the worse thing about being a single parent is that on your bad days you dont have help :(

Being Crafty

i tend to do a bit of craft when i have the time on energy.. and the last few weeks i have been determined to make something personal for both my kids to go in their bedrooms... and i must say i am pretty happy with how they turned out..

Never Ending Housework!!!!!

i have finally started to feel better apart from this horrible cough...

but because i have been sick all week i havent done much housework and if it wasnt for the dishwasher i probably would have a huge mess in the kitchen... i got enough energy to get up clean the lounge room and get the washing done except i know have 8 loads of washing to fold :(

the only way i knew i was going to get through making the house livable again was to crank music that lifts my spirits or even just reminds me im not alone and if someone wrote a song about exact how i feel then it must be a popular feeling....

a few songs that really help me feel better are most songs by Superchick, Pink, Terri Clark, Bruno, Rise Against and lots more but always really meaningful lyrics

at the moment this is the song that helps me as this is what i want to say nearly every day, especially when im struggling to eat, which is when im really stressed, feeling unloved, and mostly when i feel like a failure..

the song is Courage by Superchick

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

who am i????

At my Church small group we are wanting to get to know each other a bit more find out a little bit about everyones past and what the major things are that made them the person they are today and what God has done in their life.

next week we are starting off with 'WHO AM I?' everyone is to share briefly about who they are. it is only a small 3 word question but has had me thinking all day of who am i?

i could say i am a Mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law but they just explain my relationships they dont define who i am?.

i could say i'm a Pastry chef and a stay-at-home-mum but again they just explain what i do for work they dont define who i am?

i could say i am a person who struggles with Post-Natal Depression, very low self esteem, anorexia, worthlessness. but they just show my weakness, they dont define who i am?

i am someone who is loved unconditional,
i am someone who loves unconditionally,
i am someone who has been physical and emotional broken but not beyond repair,
i am someone who has a future brighter then i could have ever imagined,
i am someone with a past, but am not defined by my past.

all of these things descibe me because without one of them i wouldnt me...

Opinions

every one has opinions and everyone has the right to voice their own opinions but no one has the right to judge, be rude and attack someone for their opinions...

as a member of many mothers forums i have found the some mothers are probably the most judgmental, opinionated and rude people i have ever met. they believe because something worked for them and that their children are perfect everyone else should parent like they do and if you dare stand up to them they ignore everything you say and just keep repeating themselves...

as mothers who know we are not perfect and we know every child (not just ever parent) needs a different style of parenting, different style of settling, different style of discipline. we need to become the bigger person and just ignore these people and as much as it can make you feel like your doing the wrong thing or feel like your a bad mum YOUR NOT!!!! only you and you alone now your child and know whats best for them.

every single mother is doing an awesome job just by getting up in the morning and loving their kids, you are an amazing mother because no matter how bad you feel you still get up make breakfast for your kids, get them dressed and love them.. motherhood is the best, hardest, most challenging, but most rewarding job you will ever have and you can never get fired, its your job for the rest of your life....

well thats my opinion on mothers... i am inspired and encouraged everyday by a great group of mothers who know exactly how i feel and how hard but enjoyable life is because they are going through some of the same challengers as i am... we are have very different lives but are there just to listen to remind each other how much of a great job they are. and the biggest surprise is i have never met any of these ladies and they are my closest friends...

i hope and pray that every mother has friends to share the joys and challengers of motherhood...

me and my angels

no time for anything...

well the past few weeks have been complete chaos..

My daughter has been in and out of hospital with a bad flu made worse with a infection. i'm still not caught up on sleep but am now home from holidays, slowly trying to get back into routine..

lately i have been very short tempered and not thinking before talking which has lead to lots of fights with people i love...

my parenting challenge at the moment is getting Jubilee to sleep in her cot or at the very least sleep anywhere but my arms, in hope i will get more time to clean the house, do stuff with boaz, or even just have a shower with out a kid disturbing me...

plans out the window

so today started off great felt great about myself, even felt pretty and then not even half an hour after getting all dressed up and feeling great my daughter vomited all over me... ended up wearing 3 different outfits today and now have a huge pile of washing...

took the kids to the doctors and one has tonsillitis and a cold and the other has a cold 2 ear infections and laryngitis.. and a heart breaking no voice cry :(

they have both been attached to me and fighting over my lap for cuddles so i didn't get the chance to go for a run or do any exercise... and now i'm exhausted and ready for bed but will likely not get much sleep...

im praying that tonight im just too exhausted that when i get to bed i just sleep rather then think about things and cry myself to sleep as thats whats been happening the last few nights..

Dress up for Fun, Be yourself, Exercise....

today i am doing all 3 as i have had a few really bad days lately with both my kids sick and vomiting on me and not giving my 2 seconds to myself i feel ugly, down, and very angry that my ex left my to deal with all this stuff alone, i have had a few massive fights with him and have said alot of things i regret..

so today i have my mum helping me and cuddling Jubilee and i got to have a shower, shave my legs, wash my hair and straighten it.. i am already feeling better...

life is to short to care what people think of me or what they are going to say.. today i am not going to bite my tongue when i can just share my opinion on a topic and i'm going to do what ever i want...

my mum has also agreed to look after both my kids for an hour or so this afternoon so i can go for a run in the gorgeous sunny weather today..

i have to admit most days have taken alot of effort to focus on the positive and be happy but it is slowly getting easier and i can sense a end to this storm..

Show Affection

Show love to your family today.

tonight i enjoyed making dinner for my family and my sisters family, even tho i don't like loud noise its nice being surrounded by all the kids running around having fun, and mucking around with my brother and sister. it makes me miss them more and wish i could spend more time with them but i do make the time i get with them very worthwhile..

Have a Happy Colour

Wear clothing in your favourite colour today.

on Saturday i wore a gorgeous Blue top..

im struggling at the moment with very little sleep due my daughter teething but had a great day on saturday..