ME Time!!!!

i have had the whole weekend with no kids :) a very welcomed break. i spent most of the time down at the beach just watching everyone around me, listening to Worship music and thinking about God and my life.

this is the amazing image i got to see all weekend it was so magically. and i really felt relaxed and at peace with my life. lately i have been struggling with 'why does the man who cheated on me and ended my marriage get to find someone who matches him perfectly and he is so happy so soon, why does this happen to him when i have struggled to keep going and to look after our precious little kids. why cant i find someone to make me happy and have someone to talk to about life, God and someone to share my troubles with' And this weekend as i watched the sunset over the beach i realized my time will come and right now i am happy to just be me and spend as much time as possible with my kids. and i am happy my ex has found someone who is great for him and she is great with the kids. right now its a perfect outcome for the situation given.

Home

“where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” oliver wendell holmes Where do you call home? whats the feeling you get when you think of this place? as a child i moved every 1-3 years, as my parents were missionary's around Australia. my mum worked full time night shift and my dad was a pastor and always had at least 2 other jobs that kept them all busy so i become independent pretty early on and my sister was my only real constant. lately i've been feeling lost and wanting that feeling of being home again feeling comforted, Safe and for lack of any better work feeling 'at home' but i'm struggling to think of where that is to me or what makes me feel that way. today i am carrying the biggest bag of mixed emotions possible, mostly im confused and lonely and i just want to go home....

Compliments

on the days that have been tough and i have felt unloved, unappreciated, worthless and a bad mother. i have a little note book full of compliments that have been given to me. its a great way of reminding my self that even tho i may not see my beauty or how good of a mum i am or how much i really am loved, that the people that are close to me really do see good things about me and it gives me a great lift and maybe one day i will start believing it and once i do its going to be amazing my biggest compliment i have been given lately which i just cant stop thinking about, is one of my closest friends told me that when she becomes a mum she wants to be a mum like i am. it just blows me away as most days i feel like i'm neglectful and selfish and all round bad mum.. this is the one compliment i really really want to believe because if i can believe that i am a good mum then i can become an amazing mum and give my children the best life possible.

Birthdays!!!

Birthdays are a big things for me, it a day that the birthday person gets lots of attention and love. so i don't care if i'm run off my feet with preparations it all for good cause. my birthday was in October and i had a great girls night in high tea birthday party with Fondue and so much food and awesome teas.

this was my birthday cake i made.. :D my son's birthday is next week and we had his birthday party last weekend. it was so much fun. i did a "Where's the Green Sheep?' by mem fox theme party,

he had a small treasure hunt to find a box of green sheep toys that i made for each of the kids

he had a sheep pinata that we made together he also had past the parcel and lots and lots of fun

and this is his Green Sheep cake In 1 month i also have my Daughters 1st birthday which is a Teddy Bears Picnic, which i'm really looking forward to... oh how i love birthdays and spoiling my kids :)

Lonely nights

Start the day dragging myself out of bed to get two beautiful kids dressed and fed, then proceed on to the many things i need to get done and when i have great days like today when i hours just sitting and playing with the kids, i love life and feel completely content. But (there's always that damn but) then i get the kids to bed relax and get into bed myself and find it empty (most nights till the kids sneak in). All i want is to cuddle upto someone and talk (actually conversation). To fall asleep feeling completely  comforted, contentment, and joy.
I can't wait to meet my perfect match...

Roller Coasters and Candy

the last month has been one massive roller coaster ride one day i have been so happy and on top of the world the next i have hit rock bottom. today i feel like i have come off the tracks all together, last night was a horrible night with the kids and today i feel like a bad mum. the house is a mess and a huge pile of washing waiting to be folded. i have a migraine and the kids are fighting. think its gonna be a day of chocolate and movies while the kids mess the house up..

busy busy busy sad....

the last month has been a bit crazy and real up and down... hopefully real soon i can get some things together and get back on top of my blog... mostly i have been sick and so have both my kids... fingers crossed we are better real soon

My Child, You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1 I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2 I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3 Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31 For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27 In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28 For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28 I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5 I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12 You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16 I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26 You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13 And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6 I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44 I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16 And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1 Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1 I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11 For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48 Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17 For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33 My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11 Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3 My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18 And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40 For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5 I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41 And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3 If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29 Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13 I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20 For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18 As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11 One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4 And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4 I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23 For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26 He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3 He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31 And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10 I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32 If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23 And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39 Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7 I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15 My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13 I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32 Love, Your Dad Almighty God Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications 1999-2011 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

the rope just snaps

my kids drive me up the wall and always on days i have a migraine or am sick and just cant handle them. i dont get to the end of my rope as the saying goes my rope just snaps, i can handle so much and keep everything together till just one moment and i just loose it, i just cry and scream at who ever is around... today i have a migraine and ive snapped ive put both kids to bed early not that its really working...

this has got to be the worse thing about being a single parent is that on your bad days you dont have help :(

Being Crafty

i tend to do a bit of craft when i have the time on energy.. and the last few weeks i have been determined to make something personal for both my kids to go in their bedrooms... and i must say i am pretty happy with how they turned out..

Never Ending Housework!!!!!

i have finally started to feel better apart from this horrible cough...

but because i have been sick all week i havent done much housework and if it wasnt for the dishwasher i probably would have a huge mess in the kitchen... i got enough energy to get up clean the lounge room and get the washing done except i know have 8 loads of washing to fold :(

the only way i knew i was going to get through making the house livable again was to crank music that lifts my spirits or even just reminds me im not alone and if someone wrote a song about exact how i feel then it must be a popular feeling....

a few songs that really help me feel better are most songs by Superchick, Pink, Terri Clark, Bruno, Rise Against and lots more but always really meaningful lyrics

at the moment this is the song that helps me as this is what i want to say nearly every day, especially when im struggling to eat, which is when im really stressed, feeling unloved, and mostly when i feel like a failure..

the song is Courage by Superchick

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

who am i????

At my Church small group we are wanting to get to know each other a bit more find out a little bit about everyones past and what the major things are that made them the person they are today and what God has done in their life.

next week we are starting off with 'WHO AM I?' everyone is to share briefly about who they are. it is only a small 3 word question but has had me thinking all day of who am i?

i could say i am a Mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law but they just explain my relationships they dont define who i am?.

i could say i'm a Pastry chef and a stay-at-home-mum but again they just explain what i do for work they dont define who i am?

i could say i am a person who struggles with Post-Natal Depression, very low self esteem, anorexia, worthlessness. but they just show my weakness, they dont define who i am?

i am someone who is loved unconditional,
i am someone who loves unconditionally,
i am someone who has been physical and emotional broken but not beyond repair,
i am someone who has a future brighter then i could have ever imagined,
i am someone with a past, but am not defined by my past.

all of these things descibe me because without one of them i wouldnt me...

Opinions

every one has opinions and everyone has the right to voice their own opinions but no one has the right to judge, be rude and attack someone for their opinions...

as a member of many mothers forums i have found the some mothers are probably the most judgmental, opinionated and rude people i have ever met. they believe because something worked for them and that their children are perfect everyone else should parent like they do and if you dare stand up to them they ignore everything you say and just keep repeating themselves...

as mothers who know we are not perfect and we know every child (not just ever parent) needs a different style of parenting, different style of settling, different style of discipline. we need to become the bigger person and just ignore these people and as much as it can make you feel like your doing the wrong thing or feel like your a bad mum YOUR NOT!!!! only you and you alone now your child and know whats best for them.

every single mother is doing an awesome job just by getting up in the morning and loving their kids, you are an amazing mother because no matter how bad you feel you still get up make breakfast for your kids, get them dressed and love them.. motherhood is the best, hardest, most challenging, but most rewarding job you will ever have and you can never get fired, its your job for the rest of your life....

well thats my opinion on mothers... i am inspired and encouraged everyday by a great group of mothers who know exactly how i feel and how hard but enjoyable life is because they are going through some of the same challengers as i am... we are have very different lives but are there just to listen to remind each other how much of a great job they are. and the biggest surprise is i have never met any of these ladies and they are my closest friends...

i hope and pray that every mother has friends to share the joys and challengers of motherhood...

me and my angels

no time for anything...

well the past few weeks have been complete chaos..

My daughter has been in and out of hospital with a bad flu made worse with a infection. i'm still not caught up on sleep but am now home from holidays, slowly trying to get back into routine..

lately i have been very short tempered and not thinking before talking which has lead to lots of fights with people i love...

my parenting challenge at the moment is getting Jubilee to sleep in her cot or at the very least sleep anywhere but my arms, in hope i will get more time to clean the house, do stuff with boaz, or even just have a shower with out a kid disturbing me...

plans out the window

so today started off great felt great about myself, even felt pretty and then not even half an hour after getting all dressed up and feeling great my daughter vomited all over me... ended up wearing 3 different outfits today and now have a huge pile of washing...

took the kids to the doctors and one has tonsillitis and a cold and the other has a cold 2 ear infections and laryngitis.. and a heart breaking no voice cry :(

they have both been attached to me and fighting over my lap for cuddles so i didn't get the chance to go for a run or do any exercise... and now i'm exhausted and ready for bed but will likely not get much sleep...

im praying that tonight im just too exhausted that when i get to bed i just sleep rather then think about things and cry myself to sleep as thats whats been happening the last few nights..

Dress up for Fun, Be yourself, Exercise....

today i am doing all 3 as i have had a few really bad days lately with both my kids sick and vomiting on me and not giving my 2 seconds to myself i feel ugly, down, and very angry that my ex left my to deal with all this stuff alone, i have had a few massive fights with him and have said alot of things i regret..

so today i have my mum helping me and cuddling Jubilee and i got to have a shower, shave my legs, wash my hair and straighten it.. i am already feeling better...

life is to short to care what people think of me or what they are going to say.. today i am not going to bite my tongue when i can just share my opinion on a topic and i'm going to do what ever i want...

my mum has also agreed to look after both my kids for an hour or so this afternoon so i can go for a run in the gorgeous sunny weather today..

i have to admit most days have taken alot of effort to focus on the positive and be happy but it is slowly getting easier and i can sense a end to this storm..

Show Affection

Show love to your family today.

tonight i enjoyed making dinner for my family and my sisters family, even tho i don't like loud noise its nice being surrounded by all the kids running around having fun, and mucking around with my brother and sister. it makes me miss them more and wish i could spend more time with them but i do make the time i get with them very worthwhile..

Have a Happy Colour

Wear clothing in your favourite colour today.

on Saturday i wore a gorgeous Blue top..

im struggling at the moment with very little sleep due my daughter teething but had a great day on saturday..

Always better

my daily reminder that i see every time i get on the computer...

Expect good things!!!

Think positive thoughts today.

today i had to put alot of effort in to thinking positively but i managed to keep telling myself things will get better and this afternoon both kids slept at the same time for nearly 3 hours so i got to have a big nap too and am feeling much better :)

Separation Anxiety

my Daughter is now 7 1/2 months old and since she was born she has suffered from Separation anxiety from me. it is getting really hard as she wont even sleep with out me being right there.. ive been talking to my mum alot today on ways to get through this time and its really hard as its really just she will grow out of it... we feel like we have tried everything and i am walking on pure need to keep going for the kids and on no sleep...

but on the plus side she is soo peaceful when she is asleep...

wake up happy

Smile and look for the positive in your day.
(some of these are out of order because weather not permitting or just such a busy day already planned but will get around to all of them within the 30 days)

i did this one without even putting effort in. i woke up before both kids this morning happy and full of energy, dont know why as i was still up over half the night with my daughter, maybe it was the half a bottle of Champange i drank at dinner last night who knows but i am going to take full advantage of this energy..

today i have already cleaned my parents house and its only 9 am, but i am looking forward to taking the kids to Playgroup, and then finding ways to entertain them throughout the rest of the day as its pouring down outside.. and ending with a birthday party for my Brother (35) and having 6 kids all sleeping here overnight(my kids and my nieces and nephews) after making them all hyper on birthday cake :P

having a positive outlook on life (no matter how hard it is somedays)is really helping with enjoying the little thing my kids do, for example my son is now saying 'i love you' and doing jigsaws and drawing better.. and my daughter can say 'dada, muma, bobo, no' and is crawling like a pro, standing by herself for about 5 secs, and trying to walk by herself. these are all things i dont remember with my son because i gave into the depression and most days didnt get out of bed.

i am so proud of how great my kids have grown up despite my struggling and feeling like a bad mum most days..

Start a Blog

Record your thoughts and feelings today.

well i guess i started this a few days ago by starting this blog..

but as for today:

i am feeling excited, exhausted, happy, like a failure, proud, and so tired i have a migraine.

i am staying at my parents house on holiday for the next 3 weeks and last night my mum (who is a midwife/nurse aswell) saw how little sleep i have been getting from Jubilee crying all night and not sleeping in her cot, so she took jubi for about 4 hours and settled her and let me have a good sleep, and we are going to work together over the next 3 weeks to try and figure out a way to get jubi sleeping better so in turn i can get sleep...

tonight i am taking my family out to dinner for my brothers birthday and i'm really looking forward to it even tho i have a migraine...

Flower Love

Take a flower walk or add some to your to your home.

i spent nearly all day on a airplane so i took a photo of the flowers that have been keeping my house nice and bright from the past 2 weeks...

Let go of the past

today i am focusing on the future, looking forward to going on holidays and seeing family, looking forward to taking a step forward and not thinking about the pain of the past...

i have not given in to the tears, i have gotten up played with my kids and cleaned the house.. i have danced around, and enjoyed just sitting and cuddling my little princess while she slept..

these are my kids, Jubilee grace (4 months) and Boaz Xavier (2 years old) in this photo they are now 7 months and 2 1/2 years old

Journey to find the Rainbow...

i have suffered with depression since i was 14 and since i had my son 2 1/2 years ago i have suffered from Post-Natal Depression. since then i also have a 7 month old daughter, and have permanently separated from my husband of 6 years.

this past week i have hit rock bottom not sleeping, crying all the time, and just not being able to pick myself up.

tomorrow is a new day and i am starting the 30 days of Happiness by Seven Cherubs
http://www.sevencherubs.com/

this is my journey to a new me, a new life and to become the best mother i can be.